FUN FACT : Until about two years ago I was the queen of toxic relationships! I constantly found myself battling with codependency and searching for validation from people that simply weren't capable of giving me anything other than the bare minimum. And I settled for that . I believed that's all I was worthy of and I allowed myself to live that way for years. I was so angry and I couldn't figure out why this was happening- why did I keep attracting these people into my life?!
The answer I found was simple. I attracted people that treated me like dirt because I believed I was dirt.
As human beings we are wired to validate what we believe to be truth- no matter what that looks like. We are created to manifest the life we belief we are worthy of-It's time to break that! You aren't dirt you are gold, you are diamonds, you are light! Yeah I know it's not that simple. You don't just wake up one day and decide you're gold when you've believed for the last however many years of your life that you're nothing more than the scum on the bottom of someone's shoe.
SO- here is the answer to the question I know you're all asking- how do I go from living my life the way I've lived it, the way I've known it, the way I felt about myself, to believing that I am worthy, that I am enough and that I don't need all this external validation all this external love in order to feel whole and complete?! How do I break the cycle and STOP attracting toxic people?!
First and foremost it's time to get honest with yourself.
If it hasn't changed yet I'm going to go ahead and say it probably won't. Stop justifying behaviors that don't honor you and your inner goddess. Stop telling yourself its just because he was drunk, or that its okay for them to treat you poorly today because they are going through a lot. He isn't going to stop talking to all of those girls online and she isn't going to stop talking shit about you behind your back. Even more importantly you aren't some savoir that has come to fix them-Sorry not sorry, you're just not. It is not your job to make them better people at the expense of yourself.
Time to get accountable.
You play a role in your toxic relationships just as much as everyone else. We teach people how to treat us and the longer we allow them to treat us like shit- the more they think it's okay( and the more we believe that we are shit). The beautiful thing about being human is that YOU HAVE A CHOICE IN THIS! We chose these toxic people and its time to take accountability for that in our lives.
Call to mind the last situation you can think of that didn't honor you and your values. Ask yourself what role did I play in this? Did I stay silent? Did I justify their behaviors? Did I ...?
Once you identify this ask yourself why? Now here is the tricky part- and an entirely different blog post of its own- I'm going to go ahead and guess that the reason you allowed yourself to play small in the situation was FEAR. Fear of being rejected, being abandoned, being judged. Honor that- acknowledge the fear, thank it for showing up and then send it on its merry way.
Now you need to set some boundaries-with yourself and with those in your life.
If the people that fill your day are no longer serving you and aren't honoring your inner goddess- get rid of them. I know that so-and-so's been your best friend for the last 15 years and you can't imagine life without them. But if they're not here to honor you and your journey- why are you keeping them around? The SECOND we shed all the unwanted layers of bullshit from our lives we allow space for the universe to bring us the most amazing gifts! You wont have time for a new healthy, kind, loving friend if you're keeping around all of those mean girls that make fun of you for changing, gaining weight,only having one drink, etc.
You can set all the boundaries in the world but if you don't actually hold those boundaries if and when they are violated than why the hell even set boundaries in the first place. This is HARD WORK so you have to be ready to make difficult decisions and commit to the change! The key to setting a boundary is being firm. Start with a sold boundary that you can adjust later if needed. If you start with a boundary that's all loosey goosey trying to establish a firmer boundary later will be nearly impossible.
Once you have your boundary(s) in mind its time to communicate it in an appropriate way. Use I statements to communicate your needs (when xyz happens, I feel___. I want/need ___ to happen instead. ) For example if you're feeling unaligned with your coworkers who are always speaking negatively or talking poorly about other coworkers: When you talk negatively about others in the office, I feel uncomfortable- i want/need you to refrain from talking that way around me. Be sure to steer away from statements like it makes me feel or you make me feel. The goal here is to isolate the behavior and highlight how YOU feel- this is going to limit their ability to argue/ justify their behavior because these are YOUR emotions. Emotions are not right or wrong, good or bad, they just are!
The thing about setting boundaries is that we cant FORCE anyone to change or respect the boundary we have set so.... if those coworkers keep talking shit with you around if your choice now to REMOVE YOURSELF. Take your power back and let them know that when that happens you don't want to be apart of it. Hold the boundary!
I know what you're thinking it's not that simple- so step number four is learning how to love yourself.
There's a cliche saying that until you love yourself fully, nobody else can (love you and you can't love anybody else.) It's a cliche for a reason - it's true! Take yourself on a date- yeah I know it's scary and awkward and weird but IT'S IMPORTANT. Go sit at a restaurant ALONE and get to know yourself! Treat yourself to that thing that you've been wanting to do for a while. That cute bracelet you've seen online buy it, that bubble bath you've been longing to take but keep saying you don't have time- FILL. THE. TUB. Start acting like you're worth it because you are. (Check out my blog on the list for more ideas on how to do this!)
And remember - change doesn't happen overnight so BE KIND TO YOURSELF! We are HUMAN and are prone to making mistakes so CHOOSE to learn and grow! Don't beat yourself up when you fail to hold that boundary or fall into negativity in your relationships. Failure is feedback! Use it to motivate you to continue to change!